Beer One liners

24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

 

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? - W.C. Fields

American beer is like making love in a canoe. It's f*cking close to water. - Monty Python

As a rule, I don't drink -- as a habit, I do!

Beer contains Vitamin Pee.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!

Beer: Now THERE'S a temporary solution.

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your beer.

Dough, the stuff, that buys my beer, Ray, the guy that tends the bar, Me, the guy, who drinks my beer, Far, the distance to the bar, So, I think I'll have a beer, La, Laa lAA lAh LaH LAA LAAAH! Tea, no thanks I want a beer, which brings us back to Dough Dough Dough!

Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Give a man a beer, he'll waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, he'll waste a lifetime.

I don't drink anymore. Of course, I don't drink any less, either.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. - Frank Sinatra

I have a drink to celebrate the little things. Like Tuesdays - we only have one of those a week!

I swear to drunk I'm not God!

I'd rather have a beer than win father of the year. - Homer Simpson

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. - Jack Handy

"At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself. The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."  

We never knew he was a drunk... until he showed up to work sober. 

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk.

If you don't drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones. Please pass the wine.

A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please." "Did you bring a container for this?" "You're speaking to it." 

Don't forget that alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra, the panties and many other problems. 

No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?

One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday – eight hours. 

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks 

There are a lot of female hormones in beer. When I drink five bottles I also can't drive a car and start behaving illogically.

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink. 

There are drunk bikers. There are old bikers. There are NO old, drunk bikers.