"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank."
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."
"The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep."
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
"When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life
and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, 'No speaka English.'"
"Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by
her sister ... and now wish to withdraw that statement."
"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat."
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."
"Don't worry about avoiding temptation...As you grow older, it will avoid you."
"Birthdays are good for you. Studies show that the people who have the most live the longest."
"I just installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!"
"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water."
"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
"Australia - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
He who laughs last didn't get it.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world," Calvin (CALVIN AND HOBBES)
"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Laxatives, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough."
"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."
"A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah."
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!"
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
"You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter."
"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...."
"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic."
"A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
you say physco like it's a bad thing
everyone in life has a purpose, even if its to serve as a BAD EXAMPLE
"Here officer, hold my beer while I find my license."
Roses are red, violets are blue, please flush the toilet, after you.
"They misunderestimated me!" -George W. Bush"
I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight
If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie!!
"Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind that another man looking at her ass"
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
"Always carry a flask of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake."
"When rats leave a sinking ship, where exactly do they think they're going?"
Go to bed with itchy bum, wake up with smelly finger!
"If you cant dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull"
"Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money."
"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as I go by.
Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
If you can't say anything nice...come sit by us.
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.